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Thursday, March 18, 2010

Make Me Smile and Win Slimmers World GCs

Updates! To all who joined this mini contest, thank you guys! For your next posts kindly include your email address below your entries so i can easily send info on how to claim your GCs in case you win.

Also, because of the rate of entries coming in, I decided to ask help from a friend to help me judge and choose the top 3 funniest/ most amusing entries.

Again, thank you and keep 'em pouring in!

Guys, I have five (5) Slimmers World Face and Clinic GC worth Php 1500 each that I'll be giving away in another mini contest here at Mapanghingi ka ba?

I hope you'll agree when I say that a smile is the most inexpensive beauty secret. I am not a beauty expert or a Mr. Universe contestant but I'm quite sure my statement is valid. So here's the mechanics of the contest:

1. Follow or subscribe to this blog.
2. Post a funny joke (take note: it should be funny) or amusing thoughts/ statement/ message that you think can make me smile, laugh or explode.
3. One funny stuff per post please.
4. You can post as many entries as you can as long they are not repeats.
5. I will personally choose three (3) winners of the funniest/ most amusing posts based on their humor/ content or to make it simple: 'Yung talagang nagbigay saya sa araw ko :-)
6. There will be two (2) special awards: The top 2 most addict posters (followers/ subscribers with the most posts during the duration of the promo)
7. This contest will run until March 30, 2010 (12:00 nn – Philippine time only)
8. Winners should be willing to pick up the prize in our Mandaluyong office.

Note: The gift certificates are only valid at Slimmers World Face & Clinic – Pasay Road, Makati City branch and are good until April 15, 2010. This is not a sponsored contest. I got the GCs from a friend who works in Philippine Daily Inquirer.


  1. 2 magkaibigan napadaan sa isang health and beauty post sa isang department store:

    Richard: pre samahan mo ko dito hanap tayo ng toothbrush

    Reymon: sige alin san ba banda dito

    Saleslady: Sir, whitening lotion po?


  2. There what it takes to be. Then we

    shall so be it because it is. To do

    or not to is in the what, now or

    what else. Without which there never

    to you!”

    -Â words of wisdom from Senator

    Lito Lapid

  3. @ Monrey... make sure to follow or subscribe to this blog in order for your entries to be valid. Thanks and keep 'em pouring in!

  4. A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $15K.
    On her way home, she stops at a newsstand, before leaving, she ask clerk if how old she is?
    'About 32,' is the reply.'
    'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
    Little while later she goes into restaurant and asks the counter girl the same question.
    The girl replies,'I'd guess about 29.'
    The woman replies with a big smile,'Nope,I'm 50.'
    Now she's feeling really good about herself..
    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
    He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is poor. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
    She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
    He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
    He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

    Stunned and amazed, she says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
    The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
    'I promise I won't' she says.
    'I was behind you at the restaurant

    Wiser at 78! har har har!

  5. ang love parang yosi,
    kahit alam mo makakasakit sige pa rin sa paghithit..
    laging sinasabi na titigilan na pero andiyan na,
    hindi na mapigilan at madalas pag napasobra
    nahihirapan ka nang huminga!

  6. Excuse me! Miss alam mo ba un kasabihan ng mga Pilipino?
    "Aanhin pa ang damo"
    "Kung sau pa lang may tama na ko.."

  7. ANAK: Nay, bakit c ate VICTORIA ang pangalan?

    NANAY: Kasi dun sya ginawa...

    ANAK: Eh, bakit c kuya ANITO ang pangalan?

    NANAY: Kasi dun din sya ginawa...

    ANAK: Eh, bakit ako?

    NANAY: Pwede ba?, ang dami mong tanong! tumahimik ka nga FX!!!

  8. after having sex,girl touches the guy's penis.

    guy: "why,u want more?"
    girl: "no,may namimiss lang ako"
    guy: "sino,ex mo?"
    girl: "no,may ganito kc ako before" :D

  9. Presidentiables campaign tactics...

    “Villar: Sipag at Tiyaga;

    Gibo: Galing at Talino;

    Noynoy: Papa, Mama and Sister”

  10. Addict n ba ako? sowee I really want that GC :>

  11. @ Kasai... thanks for the laughs! Kakatawa mga posts mo :-)

    You can post everyday until March 31 to increase your chances of winning.

    Thanks and keep 'em pouring in!

  12. Lola: Apo, alam mo naman na matanda na ako. Kung mamamatay ako, ipapamana ko sa iyo ang aking sakahan, prutasan, bahay at mga hayop.

    Apo: Salamat po, Lola. Saan po iyon?

    Lola: Sa Facebook, Apo. E-mail ko, at ang password ay ganda143. Click mo sa bookmark ang farmville.

  13. Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

    Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

    Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

    Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

  14. It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

    The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

    That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

    "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

    The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

    The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

    "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

    "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

    The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

    "Is it wine?" she asked.

    "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

    The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

    "Is it champagne?" she asked.

    "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

    The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

    With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

  15. On 2010 Presidentiables--

    Villar is Tondo Boy.
    Gibo is loverboy.
    Noynoy is Mama’s boy.
    Erap is kanto boy.
    Gordon is Amboy.
    Eddie V is altar boy, and Jamby is "as if I were a boy".

  16. CHAVIT SINGSON: MANNY, paki acknowledge naman c 1st Gentleman,late dumating,aun kadadaan lang tabi ng ringside.

    PACMAN: i wud like to acknowledge da ARRIVAL OF DA LATE 1st GENTLEMAN WHO JUST PASSED AWAY.

  17. My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

    "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

  18. Reporter: Nung nanalo ka Manny, anong pasalubong mo kay Jinkee?
    Manny: Ibon syempre. Mahilig sya dun e.
    Reporter: Ibon? Anong klaseng ibon?
    Manny: Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba? Basta mga Ibon products! Yo know...

  19. Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony, the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.

  20. Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.

    At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

    "No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

  21. Three mice living in a bathroom didn't like their living quarters and decided to change.

    One mouse slept in the linen closet, one in the sink and the last in the toilet.

    The mext morning they reported back to the medicine closet.

    The first mouse said "Wow! I slept GREAT!"

    And with that the second said "I slept WONDERFULY!"

    But the third, "Ugg! I slept horribly!... First it started to thunder, then rain and then a log saved my life!"

  22. (apple, banana at pinya sa loob ng ref)

    Ano sabi ng apple sa banana?


    Apple: Ang lamig pala dito sa ref!

    Ano sagot ng banana sa apple?


    Banana: Nyayks! Nag talkis ang epol!

    Ano sabi ng pinya sa apple at sa Banana?





    Ang mga kasali: Amerikano, Hapon, Pinoy at Indiano

    Mechanics: Papasok isa isa ang mga kalahok sa isang kwarto na walang bintana kung saan naroroon ang sobrang bahong gorilla. Oorasan ang tagal ng pagstay nila sa loob. Ang pinakamatagal na makatiis ay panalo.

    Unang pumasok ay ang Amerikano. Inorasan ng mga hurado: 5 minutes! Kumatok na ang Amerikano. "I can't bear it any longer" sabi nya.

    Pangalawa ay ang Hapon: Makaraan ang 30 minuto, kumatok na ang Hapon. "Bakero! ambaho ng Gorirra!"

    Pangatlo ang Pinoy: Aba, isang oras! Kumatok na ang pinoy at di na rin nya kaya. Palakpakan ang mga manonood. Ang tagal nun!

    Huling pumasok ang Indiano: Makalipas lang ang limang segundo, kumatok na sa pinto. Ambilis naman!

    Tumatakbong palabas ang Gorilla.

    Sayang. Panalo sana ang Pinoy.

  24. clottey has a body of tarzan, but fights like jane.. :)) wahahaha. pinoy rulez!

  25. Life was much easier when Apple & BlackBerry were just fruits!

  26. posporo ka pala? posporo din kase akooo.. kaya pala MATCH TAYOOO

  27. 3 tanga nagsisiksikan sa maliit na kama...

    tanga1: pare hindi tau kasya bawas tau ng isa. sa lapag nalang

    (bumaba si tanga 3)

    tanga2: ayan pare maluwag na akyat ka na d2!

  28. - j0ke ng gf k0: (habang nakahiga kami at nagpi-PSP ako)

    Hindi tay0 ta0.

    Hindi tay0 Hay0p.

    E ano Tay0?

    Eh di BAGAY tay0! :)

    - cute nya n0?!

  29. Kung si Manny Villar ang tunay na mahirap..

    mga hampas lupa tayong lahat

  30. Advice from dentist:

    Treat your BF/GF like a toothbrush

    Dont let anybody use it..

    And change it every month...

  31. Lolo:Laro tayo.
    Lolo:Kahit ano wag lang taguan
    Lola:bakit naman?
    Lola: because a girl like you is impossible to find


  32. Titser: use "anyhow" en "anyone" in a sentence..

    Pacman: hoy Pidro!! baki mo kinain ang "anyhow" na manok
    na "anyone" ko dyan sa mesa para kay Jengkeh

  33. Boy: Miss may titulo ka ba?
    Girl: wala bakit?
    Boy: tingin ko kasi pag-aari kita
    Girl: how sweet? ilang pages ka ba?
    Boy: (naconfuse) bakit?
    Girl: ang kapal mo kasi

  34. Knock knock

    Who's there?


    Weh who?

    WEHk up in the morning feelin' like p. diddy.
    sori korni.haha

  35. Boy: miss taxi ka ba?
    Girl Hindi noh!!! bakit mo naman nasabi?
    Boy: Kasi kada minuto NAPAPAMAHAL ako sayo eh.

  36. sana holdaper ka na lang..

    Para ibibigay ko lahat sa yo.. huwag mo lang akong sasaktan...

  37. Boy: miss poker ka ba?
    Girl: hndi!bakit?
    Boy: Kasi itataya ko ang lahat makasama lang kita.

  38. This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it.
    Women should not have children after 35!
    Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!"
    They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very little experience in the matter.
    I don't care what the doctor says.
    I don't care what your friends say.
    I don't even care what your priest says.
    Women should not have children after 35!
    I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it,
    and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it."
    You can quote me on this. If you want to say that I said it. And I said it more than once.
    "Women should not have children after 35!"
    Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by what I said.
    You may disagree with me, that's your right.
    I still stand firm on the issue.
    With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue.
    If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change
    but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception.
    Women should not have children after 35!

    35 children are enough!

  39. Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

    The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

    The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

  40. I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!" I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'
    Ellen DeGeneres, on Oprah Winfrey 1995

  41. Lumapit c baby centipede k daddy centipede at me binulong

    Hinimatay ang dad

    Anong bnulong ng anak?

    "dad, bili m k0 slippers yung


  42. I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

  43. if you want to remove wrinkles, pimples,

    face marks and the 7 signs of skin aging



  44. “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

    Mariah Carey

  45. Theme song of married couples

    1 to 10 married years - Araw-araw gabi-gabi
    11 to 25 " " - Saan ka man naroon
    26 to 49 " " - Gaano kadalas ang Minsan
    50 and up " " - Maalaala mo kaya

  46. Joseph Estrada
    On The Issue Of Political Dynasties : “Example, pari ako. May anak akong gusto mag-pari. Bawal ba ‘yon? (For example, I’m a priest. I have a child who wants to be a priest. Is that not allowed?).

  47. BATA: Pangit! (5x)
    LALAKE: Sabihan mo pa ko ulit na pangit, papatayin kta!

    ...Next day...

    BATA: psst!

    LALAKE: ano?

    BATA: alam na! :D

  48. OSE: Kumusta ang assignment?
    RICK: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
    JOSE: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
    nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

  49. Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
    ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
    DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan parin!

  50. ay Pareng Astig I wont wait fir tom eto n uli ako har har har!

  51. DAd: Anak, pag-uwi mo sa bahay. iabot mo itong checke sa nanay mo at
    sabihin mo. 18 ka na, huling checke na ito na makukuha nya for child
    support. Tapos tignan mo ang reaction ng face nya.

    ANAK: Mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sa iyo itong checke, last support na nya
    sa akin kc 18 na daw ako. Pag katapos tignan ko daw ang expression
    ng face mo.

    MOM: Sa susunod na pag bisita mo sa kanya. Paki sabi salamat sa suporta
    kahit hindi mo sya tatay. Pagkatapos tignan moexpression ng face nya.

  52. WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
    MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
    WIFE: akin ang farm!
    MAN: akin ang kotse!
    WIFE: ah pero akin driver
    MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!"

  53. KASAL...

    PARI: Ikaw lalaki, tinatanggap mo bang maging kabiyak ang taong ito habangbuhay?

    LALAKI: Opo, Father !

    PARI: At ikaw naman, malanding baklang pokpok na mukhang kabayo, akala mo siguro ang ganda ganda mo sa gown mo noh?!
    Tinatanggap mo ba ang lalaking ito na hindi ka magsisisi kahit magka baon baon ka pa sa utang sa pagsustento sa kanya ha?! Sagot Agad!

    BAKLA: Father, sabihin nyo lang kung tutol po kayo sa kasalang ito kesa naman tumalak ka dyan nang bonggang bongga, naka mic kapa dyan!

  54. "Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos
    Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
    Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo
    Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!"

  55. Did it ever occur to you that the
    ultraviolet rays of the idiot box can
    bring harmful radiation to the retinal
    area? It could lead to blurred vision,
    worse, permanent blindness.

    - pinagalitan ni inday si junior sa
    sobrang lapit manood ng tv

  56. "La vida no es una broma actualmente. El dinero es tan duro de pasar. Puede usted bajar el precio par ci mi? Soy ya su compradora avido diario por favor?

    - si Inday tumatawad sa merkado nang isinama siya ng amo sa España

  57. "Off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!"

    - si Inday, pinapaalis ang makulit na pulubi sa gate… (Taray talaga ni Inday!)

  58. "Bloody hell!!! What the f*ck did just land on my cutie top? I mean I've spent all day just to make myself look fabulous. I think I'll have this eewy thing removed in a whip wham of time!"

    - reaction ni Inday nung natalsikan sya ng mantika habang nagluluto ng tilapia

  59. "Ipomea aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this Filipino delicacy which is very helpful in the digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we intake. Due to the continuous rains and floods, the harvest of the said vegetable has lessened the production in the market."

    - banat ni Inday kung bakit walang "kangkong" sa nilutong sinigang

  60. @ Astig - Pare tomorrow uli I hope our dearest lovable Inday make you laugh :>


    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
    in Montego Bay , Jamaica .

    Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
    People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'

    The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
    long and happy marriage.

    The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
    Am erica ,' explained the man.

    'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took
    a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.
    We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
    and she almost fell off.

    My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

    We p roc eeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
    wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

    We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
    my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

    I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
    poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'

    She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

    And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.'

  62. A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
    The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
    He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

  63. A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”

  64. "Kapag may partner kana, avoid using "baby" as your endearment to her/him. Kasi ang "baby" kapag lumaki na, nakikipaglaro na sa iba."

    hehe... ^_^

  65. teacher: Phil, give me a sentence that starts with "I".

    Phil: I is...

    teacher: No, Phil. always use "am" after "I".

    Phil: Alright. I am the ninth letter in the alphabet.

    hehehe :))

  66. Tuwing aattend kami ng wedding.. inaasar ako ni lola. Lagi niyang sinasabi "Uy... kasunod na siya". Tumigil lang siya nung nagattend kami ng funeral at inasar ko siya ng "Uyy. kasunod na siya."

    foul pero natawa lang ako :|

  67. Nathan: Pare, anong gagawin sa Algebra mamaya?
    Basty: Di ko alam, eh.
    Nathan: Eh sa English?
    Basty: Di ko rin alam, eh.
    Nathan: Ay pare ibenta mo na lang utak mo, mahal mo pa maibebenta yan!
    Basty: Huh? Bakit? Kasi 'di pa naman masyadong gamit at wala pa masyadong laman!

    hihi :))

  68. may demonyo naglalakad sa park.

    pari: oh, masamang demonyo lumayas ka! lumayas ka!

    demonyo: ay wow. park mo?


  69. Updates! To all who joined this mini contest, thank you guys! For your next posts kindly include your email address below your entries so i can easily send info on how to claim your GCs to the winners.

    Also, because of the rate of entries coming in, I decided to ask help from a frie3nd who will judged the top 3 funniest/ most amusing entries.

    Again, thank you and keep 'em pouring in!

  70. Dionesia: Doc gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.
    Doctor (gulat) magpapasexsi ka na?
    Dionesia: Breast sa ngipen ba. Para umayos yun ngepen ko! Deba uso yon?

  71. Sa isang sosyalerang salon:
    Gretchen: “I want my hair dyed jet black, cut it short and then treat it with lots of keratin extracts.”
    Aling Dionesia: “I want my hair dyed gold, curl i to the fullest level then implant one diamond at the tip of every strand.:
    Taob ang La Greta!

  72. -Sa Las Vegas-
    Waiter: May i take ur order, madam?
    Aling Dionesia: Soup
    Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?
    Aling Dionesia: Soup drenks!

  73. This is how the fight started...

    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, 'Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!'

    And that's how the fight started...

  74. Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all we do is fight anymore. I've been so upset that I've lost 20 pounds."

    "Why don't you just leave him?" asked the friend.

    "Oh! Not yet," the first replied. "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

  75. Actual Writings on Hospital Charts
    • The patient refused autopsy.

    • The patient has no previous history of suicides.

    • Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

    • Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

    • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

    • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

    • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

    • Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

    • Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

    • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    • She is numb from her toes down.

    • While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

    • The skin was moist and dry.

    • Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    • Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    • Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

    • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

    • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    • Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    • Skin: somewhat pall, but present.

    • The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

    • Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

    • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

    • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

    • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

    • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

    • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

    • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

    • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

  76. A man walks into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

    The man says, "Am I ever! To start with, I woke up late for work. I drove fast to get in on time, and I got into an accident. When finally I got to the office, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to find my wife - in the act - with my best friend."

    The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

    The man says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

    The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?''

    The man says, ''I said BAD DOG!''


    Who's there?


    New york........ Kangkong kangkong garlic tomato, theres nothing you cant do...



    A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

    He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

    He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

    "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.

    Love You!"

    Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

    His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

    His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

    Confused, the man asks,"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

    His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off,you said,



    Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00

    Broken crockery - $ 800.00

    Breakfast - $ 10.00

    Saying the Right Thing While Drunk ?


    There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy

  79. Attending a wedding for the first time, a ittle girl whispered to her mother,

    "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

    "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

    The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

  80. Telemarketer: Hi this is Jayson from JB FastWeb company I'd like to speak to the owner please?
    Gatekeeper: He's not here right now, he;s in jail he just broke the face and messed up with the telemarketer.
    Telemarketer: I'm Sorry, Thanks You Bye!

  81. Classmate1: I'm glad to inform you all that we are all brothers.
    Classmate2: No, We are not. I'm taller than you.
    Classmate3: No, I'm smarter than both of you.
    Classmate4: No, I'm more handsome than all of you.
    Classmate1: Don't worry classmates we are all brother from another mother. And we are all brother from another father.

  82. Brother: How can i go to heaven?
    Pastor: Simple brother what language do you speak?
    Brother: Tagalog
    English Pastor: You'd be happy because tagalog that's the language being spoken to heaven. And the devil cant understand it. That's why he doesn't go to heaven.

  83. Baste: Mommy, mommy! Muntik na ko maging first honor!
    Mommy: Wow naman anak, ang galing mo! Eh, ano nangyari?
    Baste: Eh kasi nung tinanong namin kung sino first honor ako yung itinuro, yun pala yung katabi ko! sayang muntik na talaga!!

    :| HAHAHA :))

  84. me:knock knock

    you: who's there?

    me: interrupting cat.

    you: interrupting ca...

    me: MEOWWW!!


  85. Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

  86. MAre1: mare, pede ba d2 muna ako sa inyo, lumayas kasi ako sa min dahil buntis ako!

    Mare2: dapat dun ka sa nakabuntis sayo pumunta.

    Mare1: Kaya nga dto ako pumunta eh. anjan ba si pare?

  87. Anak: nay ang galing ng teacher ko
    Nay: bat naman?
    Anak: tinuruan kami ng magandang asal
    nay: e di marunong ka na gumalang at mag-po at opo?
    Anak: Natural!! tanga ka ba?

  88. a naked girl rode a
    taxi,the girl asked the
    driver,"bakit ka nakatitig?ngayon ka lang
    ba nakakita ng babaeng nakahubad?
    DRIVER: di miss! iniisip ko
    kung san nakatago
    pamasahe mo?!?;-)

  89. Minsan nagpunta sa doktor ang beteranang lola.

    Doctor: Lola, kailan ho ba kayong huling nakipagtalik?

    Lola: Mga 1955 pa.

    Doctor: Matagal na ho pala ano?

    Lola: Di naman! 20:55 pa lang naman ah (habang nakatingin sa relo)!

    si lola talaga..tsk.tsk..tsk..

  90. Bago mamatay si Mr. Wong ay isa-isa nyang tinawag ang kanyang pamilya.

    Mr. Wong: "Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?"

    Junior: "Dito po!"

    Mr. Wong: "Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?"

    Panganay: "Dito po!"

    Mr. Wong: "Akyen anak na babae 'ndyan ba?"

    Anak: "Dito po!"

    "Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?"

    Asawa: "Honey, andito ako!"

    Mr. Wong: "Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao tindahan!"

  91. Applying for a job for the first time, isang seksing coed was filling up the application form . Mabilis siyang natapos pero nahirapan siyang sagutin ang isang tanong:

    PERSONNEL: Do you need help in filling up the application, Miss?

    MISS: Puede ho bang "occasionally lang" ang ilagay na sagot.

    PERSONNEL: Which question, Miss?

    MISS: Sex


  92. whoa astig316, oks i'll keep posted

    the perfect president

    The perfect Philippine president must have
    Teodoro's brain
    Villiar's money
    Aquino's heart
    Estrada's appeal
    Villanueva's spirituality
    and Gordons DICK

  93. Aling D: anak pag nanganak ulit c jinkey ee isama mo ung pangalan nating tatlo

    manny: huh?? may naisip kana ba inay??

    Aling D: uu naman

    manny: ano?

    AlingD: edi DioManJi

  94. VocabuLary

    Expand ur Pinoy VocabuLary….

    CONTEMPLATE-- kuLang ang plato
    PUNCTUATION-- pera pang enroll..
    CALCULATOR-- tawagan kita mamaya
    TENACIOUS-- sapatos pang tennis
    DEVASTATION-- ung station ng bus..
    DEDICATE-- patay ang pusa
    ASPECT-- pantusok ng yeLo
    DEDUCT-- ang pato Defeat ang paa
    DETAIL-- ang buntot
    CITY-- bago mag utso
    STATUE-- Kaw b yAn?
    PERSUADING-- unang kasal
    DEPRESSED-- ang nag kasal sa
    PERSUADING TISSUE-- ikaw nga?

  95. tamA ba 2??

    Ma'am: Pedro, giv me a sentence..

    Pedro: Ma'am is beautiful, isn't she?

    Ma'am: very good!! pls translate in tagalog..

    Pedro: Si ma'am ay maganda, hindi naman di ba?

  96. Impressive Answer

    Mrs. Tinga was discussing a new lesson on algebra. . .

    Mrs Tinga: Okay class, what is x2-3x-4 / (x-1)?

    Right after the teacher finished her question, a boy confidently raised his hand.

    Teban: Ma'am! I know the answer

    Mrs Tinga: I am impressed. What's your answer.

    Teban: That is a MATH PROBLEM.!

  97. Lasing o hindi?

    MRS : Bakit ngayon ka lang?

    MR : Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,

    MRS: Lasing ka no?

    MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik

    MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?

  98. Tuksuhan

    Noon tuwing may ikinakasal lagi akong tinutukso ng lolo' t lola ko na "Uy siya ng ang susunod"

    Tumigil lang sila ng me inilibing at tinukso ko sila ng:


  99. misis at ang ngongo niyang mister

    Mister:Pagpasok sa pinto ay sabay tinakpan ang mga mata nang misis niya ay sabay sabing(NGES HU)

    Misis:Sus...Pa-nges hu,nges hu kapa ay ikaw lang naman ang ngongo dito sa bahay.

  100. Alitan ng Mag-asawa

    Isang gabi, nag away ang mag-asawa. Pag may konting alitan, hindi kikibuin ni Misis ang asawa ng mga ilang araw. Kinabukasan, maagang aalis ang Mister dahil may business trip. Dahil sa 'heavy sleeper' si Mister, palaging siyang ginigising ng Misis tuwing umaga. Ng pumunta ang Misis sa bathroom, nag lagay siya ng 'Note' sa tabi ng unan ni Misis: Please wake me up at 4:30 AM.

    Next day, 7:30 AM na ng magising ang lalaki. Galit na galit at hinanap ang asawa para pagalitan ng may nakita rin siyang 'Note' sa ibabaw ng Table Lamp. Ang Note: It's 4:30 AM, GISING NA!

  101. Girl : uy ang ganda ng ngipin mo ah parang exams..

    Boy: huh?? bat naman1

    Girl : one seat apart.. :P


  102. GF: hayup ka! nakita ko kanina may kasama kang babae sa mall. holding hands pa kau!! niloloko mo ako!!

    BF: d kita niloloko believe me, ung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko.

    GF: aw, sowee. :)

  103. May isang lalaki bumibisita sa bahay ng kanyang liligawan.

    Guy: Tao po, Pwede po ba makausap c Shania.

    Nanay: Bakit po? Sino po ba sila? Ina nya po ako at wala po sya dito. Ano po kelangan mo sa anak ko?

    Guy: Gusto ko sanang manligaw sa anak mo Mam.

    Nanay: Ay naku, Hindi pa pwede! Nag aaral pa yun.

    Guy: Ah, cge. Pagkatapos lang ng klase nya!

  104. Bisaya po ito.

    Usa ka guy nisakay og jeep og ni plete na.

    Guy: Plete nya palihog.

    Driver: Asa gikan?

    Guy: Gikan nako.

    Driver: Asa padulong?

    Guy: Ang2x asa man diay padulong ako plete? Padulong nimo.


  105. Noy Noy: Hindi ako magnanakaw!

    Gibo: Ako din hindi din ako magnanakaw!

    Erap: Ako babalik ako dahil hindi pa ako tapos magnakaw!

    Villar: Ako din! Magnanakaw ako dahil malaki nagastos ko. Babawi na to.

    GLORIA: Mga tanga wala na kayong mananakaw UBOS na.

  106. Bisaya po ito.

    Mintras sayo sa buntag og daghan pasahero para mo skoyla og mo trabaho. Usa ka Amahan og anak mo sakay og jeep kay nagdali kay basin ma late unya iyang anak. Ang amahan og anak nisakay na sa jeep. Later naay mo sakay pud lain og nagkahuot ang mga space na sa jeep.

    Driver: Pletehan na ang bata?

    Amahan: Dili man.

    Driver: Sabaka lang nang bata.

    Amahan: Unswa? nagdali mi diri ma late unya ning anak nako sa skoyla unya sa BAKA na nuon nimo pasakyon.


  107. Agaw-Buhay

    Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan.
    Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan
    na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa.
    "Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat
    sa iyo."
    "Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo."
    "Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........"
    "Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang
    importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo
    rito sa mundo."
    "Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinag-taksilan kita
    sana ay patawarin mo ako."
    "Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita NILASON."

  108. Teacher: Juana, Pano e translate ito sa English "Ang uwak ay hinang-hina nagpalakad-lakad."

    Juana: The wak wak weak weak wok wok


  109. Pedro: Hey Juan! Do you agree ang mukha mo ipakain sa Tigre?

    Juan: yaw ko! Ikaw kaya? Do you agree ipasok ka sa Embodo

  110. Mga uso ng tunog ng rings sa telepono nuon.

    1910: Ring.....

    1920: Tailoring...

    1930: Catering...

    1940: Bakering...

    1950: Lola Lukring...

    1960: Tita Sening...

    1970: Bagyong Bening...


  111. May kanta po ako para sa inyo. At familiar nyo po itong kanta ko.

    May tatlong BEAR sa loob ng isang bahay. Si Mama Bear, si Papa Bear, at si Baby Bear.

    Si Mama Bear mahilig kumain ng SnowBear.
    Si Papa Bear uminom ng Beer na Beer.
    At si Baby Bear naglaro ng Teddy Bear.

    Tingnan nyo, tingnan nyo mukha kang Teddy Bear.


  112. Awarding Ceremony!

    Announcer: Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Please welcome our Guest for tonight!
    No other than, less than, greater than or equal than. Si Mang Roldan mahilig sa Saging Tundan! Ito po ay si Mr Roldan from Sedan.


  113. Isang magandang girl na lumalakad sa isang Pedestrian Crossing. At may dalawang babae nainggit sa beauty nya.

    Girl1: Wew! Ang ganda nya. Parang dyosa.

    Girl2: OO nga! pero teka lang parang nakita ko na cya dati. (Thinking) hmmmm. Para cyang manikin sa Mall yung sa may Tela.

    Girl1: Ano ka ba ang sama mo, manikin pa? Mukha kaya siyang Maneka pang Kulam!



    Pangit: I think... I'm BEAUTIFUL...


    Mahirap: I think... I'm RICH..


    ERAP: I think...

    KINAIN AGAD XA! bwahahaha!

  115. THis is more effective when said aloud =)

    Use paul four times in a sentence...

    .."Paul.. be care-paul.. you might paul in the swimming-paul =)"...

  116. knock knock..
    -who's there?!
    ginabing kokey..
    -ginabing kokey who?!

    "just dance.. ginabing kokey .. da dudu.. just dance... " =)

  117. Aling D: anak pag nanganak ulit c jinkey ee isama mo ung pangalan nating tatlo manny: huh?? may naisip kana ba inay?? Aling D: uu naman manny: ano? AlingD: edi DioManJi

  118. This comment has been removed by the author.

  119. Sa isng bayan ng Luzon: MGB: gud morning mayor? kumusta ang kalagayan diyan sa lugar niyo? MAYOR: ok naman sir MGB: ayos ba ang peace and order diyan? MAYOR: ahhhh, medyo me problema sir. MGB: bakit? MAYOR: kasi ho, maraming FISH wala namang ORDER

  120. Si Don Pedro nag pacheckup sa doctor kasi highblood sia. Sinabi ng Doctor na wag na siyang kakain ng matataba tulad ng baboy at balat ng manok. Dapat kumain na lang sia ng mga lumalangoy tulad ng isda. Pagkatapos ng isang buwan bumisita ang Doctor kay Don Pedro. Tinanong ng Doctor yung katulong kung saan si Don Pedro. Sinabi ng katulong na nasa swimming pool si Don Pedro. Sabi ng Doctor: “ah nag eehersisyo sa paglangoy si Don Pedro”. Katulong: “D po, tinuturuan yung baboy na lumangoy.

  121. Aling D: anak pag nanganak ulit c jinkey ee isama mo ung pangalan nating tatlo
    Manny: huh?? may naisip kana ba inay??
    Aling D: uu naman
    manny: ano?
    AlingD: edi DioManJi

  122. Sa isng bayan ng Luzon:
    MGB: gud morning mayor? kumusta ang kalagayan diyan sa lugar niyo? MAYOR: ok naman sir
    MGB: ayos ba ang peace and order diyan?
    MAYOR: ahhhh, medyo me problema sir.
    MGB: bakit?
    MAYOR: kasi ho, maraming FISH wala namang ORDER.

  123. Expand ur Pinoy VocabuLary.
    CONTEMPLATE kuLang ang plato
    PUNCTUATION pera pang enroll.
    CALCULATOR tawagan kita mamaya
    TENACIOUS sapatos pang tennis
    DEVASTATION ung station ng bus..
    DEDICATE patay ang pusa
    ASPECT pantusok ng yeLo
    DEDUCT ang pato
    Defeat ang paa
    DETAIL ang buntot
    CITY bago mag utso
    STATUE Kaw b yAn?
    PERSUADING unang kasal
    DEPRESSED ang nag kasal sa

  124. DEAR: BULAG

    pakisabi kay Bingi na nanalo si Pilay sa takbuhan...


  125. tree
    anong puno ang gawa sa number???

    edi geomeTREE

  126. anong insekto ang namamaril??

    edi salaguBANG..

  127. Erap spell!!!
    Kausap ni Erap ang Abu sayyaf at nag nenegoiate pra mapalaya ang red cross
    Abu sayyaf:papalayain ko ang aming biktima kung maiispell mo ang mississippi
    Erap:pwede manila bay nalang hehe

  128. noon ang mga matatanda bago ikinakasal hinintay muna ang kabilogan ng buwan bago ikinakasal..tapos ang mga bata ngaun hinihintay muna... ang kabilogan ng tiyan bago ikinakasal.....

  129. Pare1: pare parang malalim iniisip mo?
    Pare2: n anaginip ako kagabi. kasama ko 50 contestants ng ms.universe
    Pare1: suwerte mo ano problema mo?
    Pare2:pare ako ang nanalo!!!

  130. hindi lahat ng batang nakabag ay nagaaral..

    ung iba..

    naglalakwatsa lang..

    tulad ni...

    DORA ang lakwatserang negra...

  131. Presidential candidates

    Manny villar - tondo boy

    noy noy - mama's boy

    Gibo - lover boy

    villanueva - Jesus boy

    Erap - kanto boy

    Jamby - if i were a boy

  132. Isang gabi habang nanonood ako
    tumabi sakin ang lola ko..

    ang haba ng buhok itim na itim ng
    damit parang malungkot at may
    hawak na kutsilyo

    kinabahan ako..

    nagsalita siya..

    sabi niya..

    "apo, bagay ba sa akin ang EMO?"

  133. Bakit ganun.. sa kama na lang ba lagi ang role
    ko sa buhay mo.. each time na pagod ka im always
    here para painitin ang malalamig mong gabi..

    Hindi ba ako pedeng idisplay sa mga tao? kahit
    minsan lang?

    - Kumot(nagdradrama gustong maging Kurtina)

  134. Lolo:Laro tayo.
    Lolo:Kahit ano wag lang taguan
    Lola:bakit naman?
    Lola: because a girl like you is impossible to find

    lupit ni lolo

  135. Teacher: Lahat ng tanga dito sa klase tumayo

    may isang batang tumayo

    Teacher: bakit tanga ka ba?

    bata: eh sir.. naaawa lang po ako sa inyo kasi
    magisa lang kayong nakatayo kaya sasamahan ko na lang kayo para dalawa tayong tanga..

  136. Titser: use "anyhow" en "anyone" in a sentence..

    Pacman: hoy Pidro!! baki mo kinain ang "anyhow" na manok
    na "anyone" ko dyan sa mesa para kay Jengkeh

  137. Maid: mam si junjun nakalulon ng ipis!
    Mam: ha nsaan si junjun
    Maid: tulog po mam. pinainum ko agad ng Baygon!!
    patay na siguro yung ipis

  138. may bata bibili ng lugaw

    Bata: pabili ng lugaw
    Tindera; may laman o wala
    Bata: syempre may laman pakain ko sayo ang mangkok eh.

  139. Girl nangungulangot sa jeep...

    Lola: anong kinukuha mo ineng?
    Girl: nursing po...
    Lola: ah.. akala ko kulangot..

  140. Bata: pabili pong ubas...
    tindera: wala kaming ubas


    bata: pabili nga pong ubas
    tindera: wala nga kaming ubas..isa pang
    tanung iiistepler ko na yang bibig mo


    bata: may istepler kau?
    Tindera: wala bakit?
    bata: Pabiling ubas :)

  141. totoo ba na ang gwapo at maganda ay mahina sa
    isfelling at
    my gas!
    did they sure?
    wat does they proof?
    it hurts me
    i am not belief of diss.
    does u?

  142. Bumibili: (pasigaw) pabili pong SAFEGUARD
    Tindera: (galit na sumigaw) wag kang sumigaw jan!!!
    hindi ako bingi!! anong SIMCARD? globe o smart?

  143. sabi ng hangin mabait ka daw
    sabi ng dagat malambing ka daw
    sabi ng ilog at bundok cute ka daw
    tama nga ang hinala ko...

    sira na ang kalikasan

  144. Boy: Sir apply akong sundalo!!
    Officer: hindi puwede!! ang dami mong sirang
    ngipin bungi bungi ka pa
    Boy: bakit ser? ang gyera ba ngayon?
    kagatan na?

  145. Lord ingatan at ilayo sa disgrasya
    ang Cute na nagbabasa nito at
    sana kung magkita kami hindi siya
    magbago at tanggapin niya na...

    Mas Cute ako...hehe

  146. Which part of a man's body that

    has no bone

    full of veins

    pumps liquid

    and responsible for

    making Love?



    But i love the way you think :)

  147. Ina: Anak matalino ka daw sa math sabi ng titser mo
    Anak: Opo
    Ina: sige kunwari binigyan kita ng 5 apples and 3 grapes. Ano ang sagot mo?
    Anak: Thank you po!!!

  148. Huwag kang iiyak kapag iniwan ka niya!!
    Wag mong sisirain buhay mo kung wala na siya
    Ni wag mo siya habulin kapag umalis siya
    Sabihin mo lang:

    "Di umalis ka!!! gusto mo tulak pa kita?"

  149. Isang probinsyano nagrent ng room sa hotel

    Prob: alam ko probinsyano lang ako kaya wag mo akong lokohin! bakit ganito room ko?
    Maliit!! walang kama at bintana!! mahal na mahal ng binayad ko tapos ganito lang??

    Roomboy: Sir nasa elevator pa lang tayo.. Huwag kang excited

  150. hindi namn ako HOMEWORK...
    but why there are so many people

    wants to take me home

  151. AnaK: Mom i know the truth
    Mom: ha?? eto P500 huwag ka lang maingay sa Dad mo!!

    Anak: Dad i know the truth
    Dad: ha?? eto ang P1000 huwag ka lang maingay sa Mom mo

    Anak: (ok pa ito... subukan ko nga sa katulong) Inday i know the truth!!!

  152. Kunwari ang pangalan mo ay "IKAW", tapos ang pangalan ko ay "AKO"
    Ang tanong.. Sino ang panget sa ating dalawa???

    Isipin mong mabuti.. Pasagot...

  153. Sa sabunga walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong..
    Si juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang sisiw..

    Bantay: hoy!! ano yan?
    Juan(galit pa) manok!! bakit?
    Bantay: alam ko.. eh bakit sisiw??
    Juan: heller?? may laban ang ama niya siyempre moral support..

  154. Boy: gusto mo libre kita ng siomai at hopia??
    Girl:ha? bakit?
    Boy: wala lang.. i just want to siomai love for you and hopia love me too!!!

  155. Math love story...

    Boy: do you know that my love for you is like the limit of a constant over a variable as the variable approaches zero??
    Girl; ano yun?
    Boy:infinity :)
    Girl: ganun? eh alam mo bang ang lab ko sau ay parang limit of a function of x as x approaches ' a', f d function of x s equal to 'c' f x s gretar than a en s equal to d nd f x s less than or equal to a?
    Boy: ano namn yun ?
    Girl: syntax error!!!

  156. Salawikain ng mga high school students

    "aanhin mo pa ang 90 kung 75 na ang uso"

    "its better to cheat than to repeat"

    "No need to review kodigo will do"

    "aanhin mo pa ang libro kung scholar ang katabi mo"

    "ang hindi marunong lumingon pag exam... bagsak ang kalalabasan"


  157. Mga kasabihan

    "ang batang masipag pag laki pagod"

    "ang pera madaling mawala pag hindi pinaghirapan. pero mas madaling mawala pag sinugal mo"

    "black is beauty but too much is charcoal"

    "dont feed the chicken pag ang alaga mo mga bibe"

    "d bale ng manakawan ng 10 beses wag lang masunugan pero mas mabuti
    masunugan kesa nakawan ka ng halik ni diego"

    "mas mukhang bao ang ulo kalbo na may konting buhok kesa sa bao ng puno namin."

    "dont judge the book by its cover maliban na lang kung ang libro ay puro cover hanggang sa loob"

    "ang pagtulog ay pampatangkad pero paano ka tatangkad kung tuwing umaga at tanghali gigisingin ka"

  158. Rod: Bakit badtrip ka ?
    Harry: nagtampo skin ang u2l q.
    Rod: Bakit naman?
    Harry: nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday nya
    Rod: yun lang? anong masama run?
    Harry: ang masam run..

    Twins kami!!! TWINS!!!!!

  159. Anong sinabi ni apple nung tumingin sa kanya si Pinya??

    APPLE: oi ikaw, anong tinitingin, tingin, tingin, tingin,tingin,tingin mo dyan?

  160. Usapan ng dalawang mayabang

    TOMAS: ang galing ng aso ko tuwing umaga dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin

    DIEGO: alam ko

    TOMAS: ha? paano mo nalaman?

    DIEGO: kuwento sa akin ng aso ko


    Bata: tAtanG, pwde po mgtanong?

    TataNg: ano un ineng?

    B: saan po papunta itong daan na to?

    T: alam mo ineng, mtagal n q dito pero hnd ku pa nktang umalis yang daan na yan..

  162. if you want to remove wrinkles, pimples,

    face marks and the 7 signs of skin aging



  163. TINDERA: “Sir, bili na kayo ng kurtina”!
    ERAP : “Sige, bibili ako para sa computer ko. ”
    TINDERA: “Bakit po sa computer?”
    ERAP : “May “Windows” kasi ang computer ko eh”


    1."ale, pbling colgate, ung closeup."
    -adik k s 2tpaste?

    2."srado m pinto! La2bas ang aircon."
    -sosyal, may paa?

    3."yaya,salubungn mo ung skulbus ni junior."- tama yan psagasa mo!

    4."anak, 2mbi ka s ssakyan ha"
    -patayn dn c junior?

    5."tnuka ako ng ahas"- man0k b ito? May tuka?

    6."my tonsil aq"
    -kmi rn.c=

    7."my candy aq, yw m?"
    -ofer b yn?

    8."2log kn?"
    -mlman m p kya kng oo?

    9."lowbat aq e"
    -d bterya krn?

  165. Tatay: anak bakla ka ba?
    sabay lubog ng mukha ng anak s harina.

    Tatay:ANO? ngay0n la2ki ka na ba?
    anak:geisha n po..

    nagalit ang tatay sabay nilubogmukha ng anak s baldeng puno ng tubig..

    Tatay:ngaun anu ka na?! SAGOT!
    anak:dyesebel n po..

    nagalit lalo ang tatay..kya pinaso nya ito ng plantsa hnggang ito'y mangitim..

    Tatay:PUNYETA ka! ano k n ngayon!!
    anak:aq n po c beyonce!!:-D,.

  166. Kinuha ng isang Kanong Pari si Pacquiao as interpreter..

    Pari: The Lord was crucified between 2 robbers.

    Pac: Si Hesus ay ipinako s gitna ng 2 goma.

    Pari: We need to sacrifice.

    Pac: Kailangan natin ng 2 sakong bigas.

    Pari: If we do not repent,

    Pac: Kapag hindi natin pininturahang muli,

    Pari: Thewrath of God will come upon you.

    Pac: Ang mga daga ng Diyos ay pupunta sayo.(nagtawanan)

    Pari: Well.. Well..

    Pac: Balon.. Balon..

  167. PEDRO:Miss,pabili nga ng bolpen.

    MISS:Sorry po sir, wala po kaming bolpen.
    (Inis na lumabas si Pedro sa tindahan)

    PEDRO:My God! Penshoppe walang bolpen!

  168. a nUrse came 2 vsit hs 3 mental patients

    P1:(ngbbsa ng encyclopedia)

    N:wow! improvng ka! dts gud.

    P2:(ngbbsa ng dictionry)

    N:cool! ipgp2loy mo lng yn.

    P3:(nktyo s mesa w/arms wide open) "aq ang ilaw!"

    N:hoy! bumba k nga jn. bka mhulog k. wla k p dn pgbbgo.(naupo c P3 s upuan)

  169. JOSE: Kumusta ang assignment?
    RICK: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
    JOSE: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
    nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

  170. TOTO: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
    JOVY: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
    TOTO: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!

  171. DOK: May taning na ang buhay mo.
    JUAN: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
    DOK: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
    JUAN: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
    DOK: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

  172. ”Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
    Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
    sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
    Naunang namatay si Dado.”
    Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
    "Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.
    "Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
    "Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel."O,ano, meron bang
    basketball sa langit?"
    Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong
    balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
    kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!" (ngek!)

  173. sa tindahan...

    bata: manong may ubas kayong tinda..
    tindero: wala
    bata: manong manong may ubas kayo..
    tindero: wala sabi e...
    bata: manong manong may ubas kayo
    tindero(inis na): wala sabi e!
    bata: manong manong may ubas kayo..
    tindero:sabing walang ubas na tinda dito e! isan gtanong mo pa iistapler ko ang bibig mo..
    bata(ayaw paawat) may stapler kayo?
    tindero: wala!
    bata: manong may ubas kayong tinda!

    wahahha wala palang stapler nanakot pa lol


  174. One Sunday morning during church service,a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see
    two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying submachine guns.

    One of the men shouted, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are!"

    Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled,
    and most of the congregation fled.

    Out of the 2,000, there only remained around 20.
    The man who had spoken took off his hood,looked at the preacher and said

    "Okay Father , I got rid of all the hypocrites."

    Now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!"

    And the two men turned and walked out.



  175. A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

    There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . ..

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!


  176. noynoy: hindi ako magnanakaw
    gibo: hindi ko kailangan magnakaw
    villar: hindi na ako magnanakaw
    erap: kailangan ko ulit magnakaw
    ate glue: wala na kayong mananakaw. har!har!har!


  177. For our foreign readers, w/ translation...

    noynoy: hindi ako magnanakaw - I won't steal

    gibo: hindi ko kailangan magnakaw - I don't need to steal

    villar: hindi na ako magnanakaw - I won't steal anymore

    erap: kailangan ko ulit magnakaw - I need to steal again

    ate glue: wala na kayong mananakaw. har!har!har! - You guys got nothing more to steal har! har! har!

    Now everybody understand!


  178. GIRL: Ang puti ng bird mo!
    BOY : Aba syempre! Likas papaya ata gamit ko dyan!
    GIRL: Ginagamitan mo din ba ng downy?
    BOY : Bakit, bango ba?
    GIRL: Lambot eh!


  179. Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?
    Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako.
    Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?
    Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!


  180. Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di
    nkakatipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid.

    Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw magaling sa kama , eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500 sa driver!


  181. Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy??

    Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.

    Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya!


  182. A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....
    Baby: does this mean im an angel??
    Fairy laughs....
    Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki ka!


  183. doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?

    Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako ako sa
    resulta ng AIDS test! tapos sasabihin pa niya...



  184. In a petshop...
    Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak ha? can you speak? BOBO!'....

    Parrot: "Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can you fly, ha? Can you fly? GAGO!"


  185. Bigo sa pag-ibig??
    Maghanap na lng ng....
    KUBA - mapagkumbaba
    PILAY - di ka tatakbuhan
    BULAG - la paki sa looks
    PIPI - di nagbibitiw ng bad words.
    at eto the best....
    DULING - di ka hahayaan mag-isa!


  186. Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang
    toothbrush ko.
    Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
    Pari: Ok, antay ako.
    Sister: pasok na. wala na ako panty!


  187. 3 Baliw sa Mental nagku2wentuhan. ..
    B1: ako presidente dito!
    B2: wala ka sa akin! ako si bush, presidente sa
    america !
    B1: cno nagsabi?
    B2: Ang Diyos!
    B3: At kelan kita sinabihan??

  188. Prof: who among u experienced having sex with a

    Juan raised his hand...

    Prof: Really?? how does it feel to have sex with a Ghost?

    Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!


  189. Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine cabinet ang tanga??.....

    A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills..


    -et0 lang muna ngay0ng araw.. halatang desperadong manalo ba pareng astig316? bukas ulit. dami pa kaming joke ng gf ko.

    nice contest.. jinojoke ko din sa iba un post ng ibang followers mo..


  190. Vote for my party list -
    A.M.A.G. - Anak-Mayaman At Gwapo

  191. A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother." "Daddy and I would like you to give me a baby brother," the mom said, "but there isn't time before your birthday." The little girl with a simple smile replied "Why don't you do like they do down at the factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job.

  192. Honeymoon:

    BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.

    GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?

    BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!


  193. Magsyota naglalakad sa park:

    GF: Hon, ihi muna ako

    BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan...

    Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang mahaba sa gitna nito...

    BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian??

    GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon. Tumatae na ako.


  194. (Sa loob ng Mall)

    GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.

    Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!

    GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...


  195. things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:

    -san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
    -10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
    -doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
    -kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
    -sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!


  196. AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.

    (nilabas ni Inday)

    INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!

    PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!

    @ Kasai : nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!

    NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe


  197. KNOCK! KNOCK!

    Whose there?


    HITO who?

    HITO akoooh oohhh.ohhh. basaaang basa sa ulan ah..alang masinlungan......

  198. Hi Everyone!

    Grabe... katawa mga entries nyo. Although some have posts na nauna nang nai-post ng iba, I still count them as an entry for consideration the top 2 posters winners natin.

    Here's the current standing (Top 5 poster as of March 25):

    Nicolo - 53 posts
    ohmieness - 28 posts
    kasai - 17 posts
    michelle - 12 posts
    marizen - 11 posts
    monrey8 - 11 posts

    Also, 3 more winners will be chosen with the help of my friends and love ones.

    We still have 6 days to go so keep 'em pouring in! Thanks everyone for the great and funny jokes!

  199. ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, tubero.

    Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng basura, basurero.

    Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, gimikero.

    Sa maraming babae, babaero.

    Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto.?

    Tambay pare, tambay!